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A Self Portrait
We have all had those feelings, the feelings of lust and love, when you experience that first kiss, or the split second after the words "I love you" spill out of your mouth. After reading "Lust" I could see the many similarities between me and the narrator. I too have been overcome with that feeling of lust as it overtook my mind. I relate to the feelings of rejection by my peers as if I was in the narrator's shoes struggling to be accepted by her peers.
My first experience with sex was exactly like the adventures of the young woman's in "Lust," there was no romantic moment as we embraced. I remember as we fell to the floor just fear and nervousness overtook my body. When I was reading over "Lust" I could only think how I too muttered the words "you wouldn't dream of saying that maybe you weren't really ready in the first place" (0). It wasn't love that overcame my heart after that experience but merely lust. I felt as though a part of me was now gone even though it was there a few hours before. I continued my misadventures in lust that year and with each sexual experience "it was as though a petal got plucked each time" (08), much like that of the narrator. There were many other sex partners after her and it was all in the name of lust and it seemed "sleeping with someone was perfectly normal once you had done it" (07).
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I remember bringing girls over to the house while my parents where there, and doing sexual things while my parents were merely in the next room. Like the young lady's dad "my father was to shy to talk to them at all…" (05). He would always smile when they walked in the house as if giving them permission to have their way with his son. I got lost in the girls that semester at school and similar to the narrator "I forgot about wanting to do anything else…," including my school work, and my job at the local restaurant, "…which felt like a relief at first until it became like sinking into a muck" (06). There was times when I went too far in my sexual world, like being with two different girls in a single day. With sex though for that split second as she would grab me and tell me that I was "special" I felt as thought I could accomplish anything. Just like with my first experience those feeling would fade and as I look back on that I can't help but think how I resemble that young lady when she said "you'd get carried away. All the next day, you'd be in a total fog, delirious, and absent-minded." (08).
I grew up in the bible belt of America, where there were more churches in my hometown than people. I recall having class discussions about saving yourself till marriage. It always seemed that ninety percent of the guys were waiting for that someone special to come along. I would sink low in my chair and feel ashamed of who I was, that feeling would haunt me till I was in the arms of another girl as if sex had became a drug to me. That drug was driven by lust, and that helped me feel as though I was complete for the time being. That feeling of lust continued on throughout my high school years. Girls came and went just like the ever changing months, and I would feel a sort of emptiness within me, when there wasn't a girl holding me in her arms.
"Teenage years. You know just what you're doing and don't see the things that start to get in the way" (06) is how the narrator described her life, and that also sums up much of my teenage years. I was so overcome with the feelings of lust that it fogged up much of my life. Those feelings have long since vanished and I believe that they shaped who I am today.
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